I generally avoid taking about my childhood. That’s largely because I have very few memories of it. I remember perhaps 5% of my childhood before my parents divorced, around the time I turned 10.
I do remember one particular thing quite vividly. I only recently learned it is actually a recognized exercise and has a name. My father loved to make me do this back when I was a young child and he was angry about “something.” The exercise is called a “wall sit.” Now I will remind you, this was before I was 10 years old. If you don’t already know, you can read what that is on Wikipedia at the link above. By the time I entered high school, I could leg press the maximum weight on the Universal gym.
I absolutely learned to hate that man. He was an authoritarian, much like Trump publicly appears to be. My father was never wrong about anything, and you dare not suggest that he was. Oh, and Goddess forbid you be even a little bit effeminate. Which worked so well with this (unbroken egg) of a trans girl. To this day, I can hear him screaming at me: “You want to cry!?! I’ll give you something to cry about.”
He instilled in me a belief that I am worthless, and do not deserve decent people in my life. That continues to be an ongoing issue in my life, even to this day. Recent events have made me deeply, personally, aware of this subconscious belief I have about myself. I know it’s not true, intellectually.
That doesn’t change what the animal brain tells me. That belief played a huge role in my inability to extract myself from a certain recent abusive relationship. It has made me hurt people who care about me. I don’t want to wait for them to realize this “truth” about me.
I know that many children have it much worse than I did. But childhood trauma is still trauma. This was the man who was supposed to protect and love me. My mother tried, occasionally, to make him stop. He’d just turn his anger toward her.
I soon learned to quietly accept whatever he would dish out. I did this mainly so he’d leave her alone. Later, after they divorced, she faced financial struggles because he wouldn’t pay the child support on time. Often, he didn’t pay at all. She dove into the bottle.
I have a younger brother. He probably doesn’t remember any of this. I really don’t know. What I do know, is that he is much like our father. Indeed, he worshiped that man. We have not spoken since our mother passed away in 2000. Nevertheless, as a child of about 11, I was the de facto head of the household. I cooked, cleaned, saw to my brother’s needs. I was an adult, for all intents and purposes, because someone had to be.
I’m really not sure where this is going, but I can tell you what brought it on. That legal name change I am planning on seeking? I’ve actually considered changing the last name too. I am legally “Jr.” to my father. I hated him, and I have always hated the fact that I carried his name. The reason I ultimately kept that surname is because I had children. Oh, they are adults now. But I desire to keep what connection I have with them alive.
And the journey continues.
An Aging Trans Woman 
Maybe enjoy the freedom of being able to change that name if/as/when you like, even if you don’t really change it ever. Now I can’t find that neat blue hug you use, but sending you some hugs.
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😘🫂
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Emojipedia is a great place to find emojis. If I’m on my phone though, that’s one of the built-in ones in the keyboard I use on my Android phone.
Emojipedia: https://emojipedia.org/people-hugging
GBoard: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.google.android.inputmethod.latin
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I thought it might be Android! I found it on my phone, also on our Chromebook. I thought I had it here on the desktop, but no. The original hug smiley is just too jolly for some subjects. Ah, well. I’ll look at Emojipedia, thank you, Janet!
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Emojipedia is how I get to it on desktop. I keep a bookmark to that specific page because I use it so.
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Hi Janet. The position you talk about is a stress position used to break the spirit during interrogation. It was used as punishment, it shouldn’t have been used on a child, that alone is abuse. Childhood trauma is so hard to deal with I think because you are an adult trying to deal with the emotions / feelings of the child you were. You are a strong wonderful woman and I think it is grand you soared so much higher than where your father wanted to force you to be. He could hurt you, but he never could stop you. Great job. Hugs. Scottie
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Thank you Scottie. I had no idea it was used during interrogation, but I can certainly see how it could be. Yes, childhood trauma absolutely requires the healing of the child who was hurt, and it is often very hard to do. Thank you for your kind words. 🫂
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