Repression Theater: Dream Interpretation As A Trans Woman

First, a bit of background.

For those of you who don’t already know, I am diagnosed with CPTSD. One of the primary symptoms is repression of memory. I have no memory of my childhood before roughly middle school. I have heard stories, and integrated those stories, but I don’t remember those events. Unlike many trans people, I don’t remember “knowing” that I was a girl. I don’t remember much of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father.

This morning, it seems like one of the walls began to crumble a bit. I woke up screaming (internally) after a nightmare. It was really more psychological horror than what most people think of as nightmares. Even now, I find it hard to think about it. And to any cis woman, it would probably be a rather mundane dream. Enough procrastination. Time to try to relate it.

I found myself to be a teenage girl, trying to get ready for the first day of school. I was running around my room trying to find the prerequisite clothing items for a teen girl. First you need a bra and panties. I could not for the life of me find either. I was running around, exposed and nude, and family members (not my actual family) kept bursting into my room to hurry me along.

There was an older woman (grandmother maybe) who burst in at least twice. My younger sibling (preteen girl) was in the room helping me search. No matter where we looked, my underthings were nowhere to be found. I became very frustrated by the search and literally (in dream) screamed. At that point, I awoke sobbing. Jenni says I didn’t scream in the real world. But trust me, it felt like I did.

The interpretation is fairly clear. Much of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father was because he saw me as weak and effeminate. “You wanna cry? I’ll give you something to cry about!” was a phrase I remember far too well. One of the few things about my interactions with him I haven’t suppressed. So what I am getting from this dream?

The part of me that was a girl then is attempting to break through that repression. And it’s hard. Oh so hard. Life could get really interesting in the near future. But that’s what feeling safe, finally, will often do for those of us with CPTSD. It starts with feelings. It may ultimately progress to remembering actual events. Only time will tell. The journey continues.

Tags: CPTSD, Dreams, life, trans, Transgender