This post is specifically for you cis folks. Today’s topic is tolerance, and why you shouldn’t tolerate the intolerant among us.
When you are asked to tolerate hate, there is something very important that you need to understand. Tolerance is a social contract. People who are racist, hateful, or in any way bigoted violate that contract. You owe those people nothing, and most certainly not tolerance. Tolerance of hate is step one down a very dangerous road. Allow me to refer you to Karl Popper and the Paradox of Tolerance.
The paradox of tolerance states that if a society’s practice of toleration includes the intolerant, intolerance will ultimately dominate, eliminating both the tolerant and the practice of tolerance. Karl Popper describes the paradox as arising from the fact that, in order to maintain a tolerant society, the society must retain the right to be intolerant of intolerance.
Now beyond that, I’m going to turn you over to my friend Tilly Bridges. She’s far more eloquent than I. The journey continues!
An Aging Trans Woman 
I used to say I was judgmental and intolerant of the judgmental and intolerant, which makes me one of them, but I was younger and still was working on the judging, as well as how to better not tolerate their intolerance while not being intolerant of them as people. That last still easier to write than to actively do. I may have made progress. I do not tolerate overt bigotry or misogyny or any other intolerance in my presence, and I do say something when it happens, though I’m careful to not endanger anyone including myself. Enough people who know me by now in life, don’t bother being rude about other people who aren’t hurting them, at least when I’m around.
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And now having finished Tilly’s piece, clarification is called for! I suppose part of it is that the idea of tolerance can be somewhat subjective. I don’t find bigotry, misogyny, or other hateful intolerance to be acceptable at all, and I don’t tolerate it happening around me, which always means saying something, and sometimes means removing myself from the situation if the bigot does not apologize or leave. I quit volunteering at the Food Bank, as an example, because 2 people, one the director, were making fun of clients who speak only Spanish. I can only speak rudimentary Spanish, but I can read it, so I could have helped. Either way, they didn’t need to make fun of and denigrate those people when we’re in the middle of trying to make sure they and their families are fed. Some might say (a couple did,) that I did no good for those clients by leaving, but I so could not stay in the position, as it would be, for me, tolerating racism, staying there and ignoring that.
However, as I mentioned, there are people I know and get along with whenever we run across each other who just don’t say anything about anybody who scares them when we’re in the same space. Am I tolerating their intolerance? For me, I don’t think I am, but I’m still learning. Checking with them to see what they’ve learned since the last time I had to say something is more than I’m up for, so far. As I said, still learning.
This all took up a lot of space, and I’m not sure I said much of substance except, I’m still learning.
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I applaud your decision to leave that situation. Sometimes, just leaving is the best response. You weren’t equipped to truly help those folks. Language barriers are difficult. I might have said something to that director, or a higher up, if there was one. But that’s me.
As for your question “Am I tolerating their intolerance?” Sadly, the answer would seem to be yes. You know they are intolerant, and you still welcome them in your presence. But I don’t know your life, and I won’t tell you how to live it. At least you’ve spoken up when they were open with their intolerance.
It’s a hard topic. And I’m hardly one to give advice, given the mess I had made of my life relatively recently. As you well know, I tolerated far too much, until it became truly intolerable. But that was me. You must make your own decisions.
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It was the director, the assistant director, the bookkeeper, and the front counter person.
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And thank you, Janet! The food bank people were of the age of, “well, it’s just what we learned when we were young. We’re not rude to them to their faces, and we don’t turn them away because they can’t speak the language. My dad would have …”
I just hate that. I remember learning a few things that were wrong; I was fortunate that the people I learned from also learned, and corrected me later.
If I didn’t tolerate such people in my presence, though, I couldn’t go anywhere. Literally. I don’t join them or invite them for dinner, or things like that; I get along with them. If something comes up in when I’m around, I do respond, but not things generally don’t come up, since we all know I think it’s stupid that they’re afraid of calling someone they instead of she.
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I won’t tolerate intolerance towards the rights of others to exist or to be free to live their lives in ways that doesn’t harm any others. Sorry no debate in my life. I shouldn’t have to ask other people to allow me to live fully as an openly gay man, I shouldn’t have to ask other people to give me the right to marry who I love, I shouldn’t have to not hold the hand of my husband in public like the straight couples do just to make bigots feel better.
I had a good internet friend of advanced age who agreed with me on so many things, but not trans rights. Her point was it made her uncomfortable to think a trans person might be in the stall next to her, so all trans people must be blocked from public bathrooms. We argued about it, and I asked her what she felt was going on in those stalls that she was not doing in hers, and why she would care who is voiding if she can’t see it or is not involved with it. Her response was she just did not like the thought of it. I asked her how that was different from white people / women not wanting black women in their restrooms during the Jim Crow times? She said I had to respect her feelings to deny trans women the right to relieve themselves in public bathrooms because it made her uncomfortable, and I refused to do so. Her discomfort was based on bigotry not any justifiable facts of harm.
Sadly it broke up our friendship because then she said trans people were pushing too hard like gay people did before, like why couldn’t they just be like the friends she had many decades ago who were a male couple who lived together but no one knew they were gay or a couple. They were just nice roommates never hinting to anyone but a few close friends they were gay. Why couldn’t we go back to that, because everyone was happy then. That was when we parted ways. Hugs. Scottie
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Thank you for pushing back against the “bathroom” nonsense. Many women see trans women as the stereotypical “man in a dress” and believe we are a danger to them. We’re in there to use the restroom, just like they are. Can you imagine me in a men’s room? Would I be welcome there, or more importantly, safe?
Can you imagine a trans man, all muscle and full beard, being required to use the women’s restroom? How would that go over with those women like your ex-friend?
Sadly, the human mind often cannot think beyond prejudice. Their mind is made up. No amount of logic will ever overcome the preconceptions of those folks.
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I think I know of whom he writes, and she would never answer that question, because I asked it, every time the subject arose.
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It was bullying at school and my xenophobic family that made me realise that I had to do better, be better, more than 20 years ago now. I’ve learnt a lot along the way, and have become more of a fighter.
But, I’ve also learnt to be careful, to treat myself gently when I start to get burnt out, and am unable to fight for a while. There is so much hate online right now, that it’s painful!! I wish so much that it was better, but we’re living in the society that we are.
BTW, I tried to find a way to subscribe to your friend’s blog, but there doesn’t appear to be a subscription button. I’ve added an RSS feed. I just have to remember to check on it!
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If you like podcasts, Tilly has podcast versions of her blog available on Apple and Google podcasts. Other than that, RSS is the only way to subscribe. FWIW I use a feed reader extension to notify me when the various RSS feeds I follow have new items available. https://feeder.co/reader has extensions available for several browsers.
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I use Outlook, so I have added an RSS feed there. And, as long as I remember, I can copy any new posts into my inbox, so I can read them as I go along.
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