When I was maybe 13, I had to get a “physical” exam because I was going to play middle school football. Right. Still masking, so ultra masculine activity. Anyway, I was referred, by a coach, to an older pediatrician that the team used regularly for said physicals.
CW: Childhood Sexual Abuse, No Details
I was incredibly naive at that age, and this was my first time getting a “physical”, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. It began like most doctor appointments I’d had up to that time. Admittedly, I hadn’t had many, because we were poor, living on my mother’s bank clerk income, and I was relatively healthy at that point. But as the “exam” progressed, I became increasingly discomforted by what was happening.
Remember, I was a naive young teen. I kept my mouth shut, and let him touch me wherever he said was necessary. It was over fairly quickly, but I was very uncomfortable by that time. I didn’t say anything about it, to anyone. To this day I’ve told maybe 3 people ever, and no one in my family. I’ve let what happened fester.
Several years later, while I was away at college, it came to my attention that said doctor had been arrested, prosecuted, and jailed for a number of similar allegations by many teen boys. In some ways, I felt very guilty for not having said anything, and honestly, still do. My only excuse is that I really didn’t have anyone with whom I would have felt safe revealing such a thing.
I am highly suspicious of male doctors as a result. I have had a strong preference for female doctors, particularly GP, and have only recently had a male PCP. I was referred by a close female friend who also saw him. And I’m comfortable with him. I’ve mentioned him recently, in reference to my fun with dose one of the Shingrix vaccine. He’s much younger than me, and I’m no longer a naive young teen “male”. But I didn’t feel comfortable sharing this with him either.
Today, online, I read something (from a cis woman) about the way she was treated by male doctors (during childbirth), and how she avoids male doctors as a result. Suddenly my feelings about that day came to a bubble. I honestly hadn’t thought about it in years. And these days, I journal about such things as an outlet for feelings that are troubling me. Is it healthy for me to be so open and public about my feelings? I don’t know, I’m not a therapist. But it seems to work for me.
So that’s the story, and if you read this far, you may choose to comment, or not. As I said, this is mostly just to get this out of my head tonight.
Blessed be. So mote it be.
An Aging Trans Woman 
I’m sorry that happened to you. And if you feel better after writing your story, it seems that’s the right thing for you to do. I hope your weekend is good!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I generally do. I definitely don’t do it for engagements and notoriety. š
But seriously, yeah it helps. Sometimes, though, I feel like I’m being a Kardashian … and that’s the last thing I’d ever want.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve been reading you for a while, now, and I do not think of them at all when I read you! š
šš¹
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. I’ve appreciated your input and thoughtful responses. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I appreciate your work here!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interesting that. I have never really thought of it as work. Maybe that’s part of why it is so intermittent?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I like to read good stuff. š¹
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww. You think I write good stuff. šš
LikeLiked by 1 person
And so far, it’s been a pretty good weekend. Today was a relatively low pain day, and that’s always good. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
Janet, I’m sorry that happened to you and, sadly, it is not unusual. I journal as well about my SA by an uncle and it has always helped me to get it out instead of keeping it in the hamster wheel that is my brain. I would never think that sharing anything so vulnerably is for attention – ever. I know there are those that do that – but given what I know of you – that would truly be my last thought. Than you for sharing and as Ali said – for doing the work (addressing any trauma is work). Blessed be, friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Heather. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
And Blessed Be to you as well. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t understand people (monsters) who can do that to a child. š¢
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is not something individuals without that mental illness will ever be able to understand.
It is monstrous. Sadly – the perpetrators are often people who have experienced abuse as well and never did the work to deal with it in a healthy way. Not all – but so many.
It took me a very long time and a lot of therapy to understand that fact. I cannot understand it, will never be able to understand it, because I do not suffer from that mental illness. So, it is not for us to understand; it is our challenge to heal ourselves (do the work) so that the trauma that they subjected us to does not continue and to endeavor to have compassion (not understanding) but not to allow them to hurt others. Compassion cannot lead to blinders – compassion with knowledge and protection.
As a social worker I see remarkable things that people perpetrate against children and it angers me but it also saddens me, because I think about the children they were who did not receive the help they needed when they needed it. So it falls to me to take care of their children and make sure they get the help they need so that it does not continue. To try to the best of my ability, anyway.
Sorry – š – its one of my passions in case you couldn’t tell. LOL! š„°
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh Heather, that is incredibly thoughtful and well spoken
I had no idea that you were a social worker. Barbara was a (geriatric) social worker before lupus.
I have a deep and abiding respect for anyone who can do that job. Blessings. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, dear one. š
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for all you do for those unable to do for themselves. š
LikeLike