On this day, fourteen years ago, my wife Barbara passed beyond the veil. I’ve written before about the details of that event, and how traumatic it was for me. Today, I just want to refer my followers to another blog that I have, where I talk about her, her wisdom, and a bit about our life together. You can find it at Barbara’s Words of Wisdom. Blessed be.
Tag Archives: Recovery
Domestic Violence Update
5 FebIn case you have no idea what that title is about, read this first, then come back here. Now that you are caught up, here’s the update. I left the state. I still won’t say where I am, for reasons of personal safety.
Continue readingHow I lost my faith
12 DecToday is my late wife Barbara’s birthday. She would have been 59. Of course, she didn’t make it to that landmark. She died a little over ten years ago. I was there in the hospital when her heart failed. At 5:30 am, after about 30 minutes of CPR and other resuscitation efforts, the doctor asked my permission to stop those efforts. As I’ve shared before, I told him to “call it.” Continue reading
Seven Years
9 JunYesterday was the seventh anniversary of Barbara’s passing. I noted the date with no fanfare, no tears, no breakdown. As I write this, I’m coming to realize that maybe, just maybe, I am recovering. I am far from fully recovered, of course. I truly believe that one never fully recovers from the unexpected loss of a loved one, particularly one you considered to be your “soul-mate”.
It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. – Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/140515-it-has-been-said-time-heals-all-wounds-i-do
Truer words were never spoken. Today, the scar tissue is stronger than the wound. It could still tear wide open tomorrow, or the next day. There will always be a risk of that wound being torn asunder.
It’s been nine months since she died
8 MarNine months ago, the one true love of my life, my Barbara, passed away. The pain is only slightly less intense than it was in the first weeks. I was so busy then. There were two memorial services to plan, creditors (mostly medical) to notify, family obligations to be met. Friends we had not seen in months came out of the woodwork.
What’s happened since then? Continue reading
Homework
1 DecWent to see the therapist today, for the first time since Barbara died. (We have history, as he was treating her for complex PTSD before her hospitalization, and I was going with her.) The session helped me a lot. No details here, for obvious reasons. The diagnosis is complicated grief . I go back in two weeks (I can’t afford weekly), and I have homework to do. Painful, difficult, soul wrenching homework.
But he’s right. I need to do it.
Latest on my recovery from Cymbalta
18 Nov- Can’t reach the psychiatrist assigned by my HMO. Left message at intake, and got zero response.
- Still having physical symptoms. Intermittent nausea, constant headache, intermittent dizzy spells.
- Brought my dog home. Laura graciously brought her last night. She assumed, rightly, all along that I would want my Taz back once I was able to care for her.
So, 2 negatives, one positive. Not the best report, I guess. But life happens, and there is no use sugar-coating it.
A good conversation
6 JulJesse and I went out to Carrabba’s Italian Grill for dinner last night. And for the first time in a very long time, I had wine with dinner. Continue reading
People worry about me?
2 JulPeople worry about me. That is such a foreign concept to me. Continue reading
Last night’s memorial service
22 JunThe service was well attended, and everything seemed to be as it should be. Several of her friends spoke lovingly of her, the music was well received, and the service ended in one big circle of hugs. Many tears were shed, but that too is as it should be.
An Aging Trans Woman 