I’ve lived these past few months on auto-pilot, and that simply doesn’t lend itself to the effort and energy required to “be” Janet on the outside. I’m not happy, and I don’t really feel like I will ever be happy again. In a recent conversation with someone who knew me before the loss of B, I finally said out loud what has run around in my subconscious for months now. I told her “Janet is dead. She’s buried with B.”
I think it may be time to bury Janet. Without B, I simply don’t have the courage or the strength to be Janet. I haven’t shaved anything in weeks. I don’t leave the house alone by choice at all. I go pick up paychecks twice a month, but only because my employer doesn’t offer direct deposit. I occasionally leave with the wonderful people who came to be with me and help me get through this.
Truth be told though, I am losing my relationship with them. I know the fault is mine. Like Jimmy says in “Margaritaville“
Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s my own damn fault
I may not be drinking margaritas, but I am wasting my life away. And in the process, I am alienating everyone I care about.
So it’s time for me to seriously consider whether I can even sustain one life, much less try to live two. Goodbye for now. Until I reach a decision, you won’t be hearing from Janet any more.
An Aging Trans Woman 