Yeah, I’m a little slow reporting back. So sue me. No, on second thought, don’t. I have high-powered attorneys. Seriously, though, I’ve been a little too busy to update. Life happened. Nothing I care to talk about. Suffice it to say I made a fool of myself, and got hurt in the process. No, it’s not anyone you have ever heard me speak of. Continue reading
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Monday, anti-depressants, and support groups
18 OctMidday Monday I go see the doctor who originally put me on Cymbalta. She’s the neurologist who is treating me for epilepsy and fibromyalgia. Continue reading
Four months ago
7 OctIn a few hours, it will be four months since Barbara died from complications of lupus. In that time, I have found a way to continue day-to-day. Continue reading
Decision time fast approaching
5 OctI’ve lived these past few months on auto-pilot, and that simply doesn’t lend itself to the effort and energy required to “be” Janet on the outside. I’m not happy, and I don’t really feel like I will ever be happy again. In a recent conversation with someone who knew me before the loss of B, I finally said out loud what has run around in my subconscious for months now. I told her “Janet is dead. She’s buried with B.”
I think it may be time to bury Janet. Without B, I simply don’t have the courage or the strength to be Janet. I haven’t shaved anything in weeks. I don’t leave the house alone by choice at all. I go pick up paychecks twice a month, but only because my employer doesn’t offer direct deposit. I occasionally leave with the wonderful people who came to be with me and help me get through this.
Truth be told though, I am losing my relationship with them. I know the fault is mine. Like Jimmy says in “Margaritaville“
Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s my own damn fault
I may not be drinking margaritas, but I am wasting my life away. And in the process, I am alienating everyone I care about.
So it’s time for me to seriously consider whether I can even sustain one life, much less try to live two. Goodbye for now. Until I reach a decision, you won’t be hearing from Janet any more.
Today is a better day
13 SepDamn, I am getting emotional and over-reacting. My reactions to the events of yesterday truly were out of proportion. I know why. Continue reading
Today is a bad day
12 SepIt appears I have completely destroyed my relationship with Kris and Rebeccah. My grief and the way I am expressing it is too much for them to handle. It’s not their fault. I know it is mine. It still hurts.
And more about how I’ve been doing
10 SepI’ve had a rough few weeks. Honestly, having the family here hasn’t been nearly as helpful as I hoped. Yes, it stopped me from choosing to follow Barbara in the first couple of months, but I still feel so alone I can barely stand it. I guess I am going to feel alone in a crowd, no matter how big that crowd, for a very long time. Continue reading
It’s been a while
8 SepYes, I have been absent for a while. I have been busy working out a multi-generational household, and all that entails. Of course, I’m still crying at odd times and for no apparent reason. Continue reading
I survived
2 AugI made it through my first holiday as a widow. I baked bread (by hand), and gave a share to Lugh, as appropriate. The bread was good.
But by the Gods, I miss her.
Barbara’s Pagan memorial service
26 JulThe day (July 25,2010) got off to a bit of an odd start. We (all of the organizers) were running late getting to the location of the service, and it turns out, so was the lady (M) who had the responsibility of opening the gate. Other invited guests were not late, so I get this call while on the road of “Where are you?”. Continue reading
An Aging Trans Woman 