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The Grieving Room: I Guess I Made It

6 Jun

Crossposted from The Grieving Room at Daily Kos by wyldraven

On the eighth of June, I will mark the one year anniversary of Barbara’s death. I still don’t know exactly how I will do so. Anecdotal evidence indicates that most spouses who survive the first year as a widow/widower will continue to live a normal life span. Point in fact, death from broken heart syndrome is rare.

A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are “mourning” is still alive (“pre-grief” can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can’t solve each other’s problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

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Of friends, family, weddings, and backboards

25 Apr

Recently, I attended the wedding (“for all time” hand-fasting actually) of a couple who were more than mere friends. Barbara and I had known them for as many years as we had known each other. We had become close enough that we thought of them as family of choice, beyond mere friendship. Attending their wedding was a really big deal for me, in more ways than one. Continue reading →

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It’s been nine months since she died

8 Mar

Nine months ago, the one true love of my life, my Barbara, passed away. The pain is only slightly less intense than it was in the first weeks. I was so busy then. There were two memorial services to plan, creditors (mostly medical) to notify, family obligations to be met. Friends we had not seen in months came out of the woodwork.

What’s happened since then? Continue reading →

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Checking In

25 Dec

An online friend (no link, she’s not out to everyone) wrote recently about her journey into womanhood, and the progress she was making. Her post prompted me to reply with my own update. Her post is friends only, so I thought I should share those thoughts here as well, for those (if any) who are following my journey. Continue reading →

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Quick update

16 Dec

Fibromyalgia is still flaring, but the warmer weather seems to have helped. I don’t do well with cold. That’s one of the main reasons I avoided moving to where Barbara would have preferred to live.

Finances are still tight, but I am holding my own. I’m still working my way through bulk foods bought when K and T were still here. Frozen, canned, dried. Might as well use it while I can.

I’m crying less, and when I do, I can name the specific trigger for the tears. So I guess that’s progress. My therapist has made some recommendations on where I should focus my energy that, while I see the purpose, I am not entirely comfortable with. Still thinking that over.

I did the homework he gave me. It wasn’t any easier than I thought it would be when he first gave it to me two weeks ago. Nonetheless, he seemed satisfied with it. I guess that’s good too.

I’m just taking things day by day now. I still can’t see my future, or really my motivation. It takes time, and I refuse to be rushed by people who don’t know what this is like.

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Like a bad penny

13 Dec

I just won’t go away and stay away. A lot has happened since I last visited with you, some good, some not even close to good. That relationship I was losing? Yeah, I lost it. I suffered a nervous breakdown, or as my psychiatrist called it, a “medicine induced bi-polar episode”. Continue reading →

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Six months ago, or “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime?”

8 Dec

June 8. Six months ago. And I am still here, and slowly getting better. I wonder still if I will ever be better. Or is grief, like life, a journey with only one way out? Will I grieve the rest of my life? While talking about that with a friend online, she reminded me of this old quote, the source of which is elusive.

Continue reading →

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Homework

1 Dec

Went to see the therapist today, for the first time since Barbara died. (We have history, as he was treating her for complex PTSD before her hospitalization, and I was going with her.) The session helped me a lot. No details here, for obvious reasons. The diagnosis is complicated grief . I go back in two weeks (I can’t afford weekly), and I have homework to do. Painful, difficult, soul wrenching homework.

But he’s right. I need to do it.

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Why Do We Deny Ourselves The Right To Grieve?

19 Nov

I think it is time we stop trying to treat grief as a mental illness, and allow people the right to grieve in this society. There are valid sociological, psychological, and physiological reasons for grief, or we wouldn’t experience it. Continue reading →

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The Dangers of Cymbalta

15 Nov

OK, for a while there, it seemed as though Cymbalta was helping me cope. This past weekend, though, the truth raised its ugly head and bit me. I developed severe adverse reactions to it. Not any serious physical ones, but mental and emotional ones. I became combative, depressed, and suicidal. When I wasn’t depressed, I developed mania. I frightened a lot of people, myself included. Continue reading →

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