I’ve been mostly quiet about this topic so far, because I wasn’t convinced it was accurate. I was diagnosed, on the 7th of January, with a seizure disorder. Back in late October, I had an automobile accident. The accident was a result of an apparent syncope episode while I was behind the wheel. That, combined with a several month pattern of recurring muscle spasms, not helped by muscle relaxers, led my GP to refer me to a neurologist. I saw him on the 6th. We spoke for about 30 minutes about my concerns. He ordered an EEG that same day.
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My Father Has Passed
18 JanMy father died on the 3rd of January, 2021. Before you offer me condolences, know that he and I had not spoken for over twelve years. He chose to exclude me from his life, for reasons that I can only guess at. I had been holding out hope for a reconciliation. That time has now passed. I’ve written before about some of the reasons I didn’t pursue reconnecting before. I won’t rehash that now. I learned of his passing from my cousin, his niece. She’s one of the few members of my blood family who still keep in touch with me.
Continue readingHow I lost my faith
12 DecToday is my late wife Barbara’s birthday. She would have been 59. Of course, she didn’t make it to that landmark. She died a little over ten years ago. I was there in the hospital when her heart failed. At 5:30 am, after about 30 minutes of CPR and other resuscitation efforts, the doctor asked my permission to stop those efforts. As I’ve shared before, I told him to “call it.” Continue reading
The WPATH Standards of Care
29 AprThe most recently published version of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) standards of care document is version 7. It was published in 2011, and in many ways, was truly revolutionary. It is available in PDF form in 18 different languages at the link below. Continue reading
Am I Trans Enough?
15 AprHave you asked yourself “Am I trans enough?” This is a particularly significant question for transgender people who waited until later in life to transition, or are only just now exploring their gender as adults. The standard narrative of “I knew since I was a child” and “I transitioned young” certainly is a feel good narrative. However, the alternative that turns out to be true for many, many people is that we knew something was wrong, but couldn’t understand what that something was. We went many years thinking that we were somehow wrong, and begrudgingly accepting that we were broken.
Am I Transgender?
13 AprI am a transgender woman. I am not a professional counselor. I have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I am romantically attracted to women, which makes me a lesbian. There is a common misconception among cisgender people that trans people, by definition, experience a particular sexual orientation. To be specific, that trans women are really just effeminate gay men, and that trans men are just masculine lesbians. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Father’s Day
18 JunIn short, this is not a happy day for me. My own father was emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive, when he was around, which wasn’t that much. He was committed to “make a man out of” me in the years he was around. You can imagine how well that turned out.
When I finally came out, and started living as my true self, he disappeared completely from my life. I have not heard from him at all in over seven years. He knows how to reach me if he wanted. His current wife is on Facebook, and I also have a cousin on his side who is occasionally in touch.
And as for the fact that I have children of my own? They also dropped out of my life. We were in touch up until about a year after my social transition. Since then, nothing. My daughter didn’t even see fit to tell me when she gave birth. Twice. About the time I transitioned, their mother was whispering in their ears that I was abusive during our failed marriage, and that was the reason for her mental illness.
So, no one is offering me gifts, or well wishes, on this day of celebrating fathers. And before you ask, no one did so on Mother’s Day either. I have made a family of choice. That’s sufficient for me now.
Seven Years
9 JunYesterday was the seventh anniversary of Barbara’s passing. I noted the date with no fanfare, no tears, no breakdown. As I write this, I’m coming to realize that maybe, just maybe, I am recovering. I am far from fully recovered, of course. I truly believe that one never fully recovers from the unexpected loss of a loved one, particularly one you considered to be your “soul-mate”.
It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. – Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/140515-it-has-been-said-time-heals-all-wounds-i-do
Truer words were never spoken. Today, the scar tissue is stronger than the wound. It could still tear wide open tomorrow, or the next day. There will always be a risk of that wound being torn asunder.
Six months ago, or “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime?”
1 FebI wrote this on a different site about 6 1/2 years ago. I had reason to look it up last night, thanks to a conversation with a friend online. Without further ado, my thoughts on a “reason, a season, or a lifetime” and how it applied to my late wife Barbara.
June 8. Six months ago. And I am still here, and slowly getting better. I wonder still if I will ever be better. Or is grief, like life, a journey with only one way out? Will I grieve the rest of m…
Source: Six months ago, or “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime?”
Carnations for Mother’s Day
6 MayI was out running a few errands today. Stopped in my local grocery to get a few items for tonight’s dinner. At checkout, the bagger handed me and my roommate each a yellow carnation, and wished us a Happy Mother’s Day. That felt so good.
Unfortunately, it came at the end of two hours of errands. As I’ve noted before, driving for any significant period of time tends to trigger my MPS (myofascial pain syndrome). Yeah, it’s flaring. Back pain is not fun.
An Aging Trans Woman 