I have been very unlucky in love for most of my life. This is going to get heavy, quickly. You have been warned.
I lived 26 years married to a mentally ill person who refused treatment. Finally divorced her when she threatened bodily harm to herself and my daughter.
I was lucky enough to find love (true love) after being alone for a few months. Barbara was my soulmate. But she was taken young, and I have grieved deeply, and still do. That was June 2010 when she passed away.
I avoided love entirely for a couple of years. Then I fell for someone who turned out to be a malignant narcissist. It took me about a year to realize that was never going to work out. I had a short T4T relationship with a trans girl who was far too young, and immature. That lasted a few months, and ended some 9 years ago.
To say my love life has been a tragedy is putting it mildly. Over time, I’ve come to accept that I’m never going to find love again. And honestly, even if I did, they’d never measure up to Barbara, and it’d be grossly unfair to them. I’d (at least subconsciously) be constantly comparing, and my idealized view of B would always win out. She was absolutely my soul mate, and I was robbed of the life I should have had with her. So I now accept that I will remain alone. Acceptance doesn’t imply desire in this instance. I just know that it can never be for me again.
Once I accepted this fact, I quit looking. Yes, as I said yesterday on social media, I flirt harmlessly online sometimes. There’s safety in knowing it can never go anywhere. Safety I still need, because bottom line, my love life has been deeply traumatic, and I am far from recovered.
An Aging Trans Woman 
Leave a comment