Hey, I live a not terribly exciting life right now, but at least I am still trying. Jesse and I went out to Carrabba’s Italian Grill for dinner last night. And for the first time in a very long time, I had wine with dinner. Because of B’s situation, I had abstained from all alcohol for the last two years. I guess the fact that I was willing to break that taboo is another sign that I am moving on.
More importantly though, the wine loosened us both up just enough for me to ask for, and receive, an explanation of the apparent distance that grown between my daughter and me since B’s passing. It turns out that Jesse was “being strong for me” because she didn’t want to burden me with her grief. We had a really good conversation about that, including me telling her in no uncertain terms that hiding her grief was more painful to me than sharing it. I don’t know how much of that really got through to her, but at least I had a chance to say it, and I got an answer to something that had been hurting me. It was a very productive evening, in that regard.
And I also didn’t care whether or not I was ‘passing’. I think that’s a big step forward as well. I suspect I did, but I really didn’t care. And in case you are curious, I was a little tipsy by the time we left the restaurant. Just enough so to be relaxed and ‘easy’ with myself for the first time in a very long time. I have to admit it felt good to have all the cares melt away for a short while. No, I am not going to start drinking to kill the pain. I still need to feel, everything. But it was a nice respite.
An Aging Trans Woman 
One Response to “Dinner out, and good conversation”